Whoever said print is dead didn't consider this beauty.

There's nothing like a quality newspaper... and this is nothing like one!

Note the three top stories, all tales of woe: "Dying Dick Clark's Last Wish," "Zsa Zsa's Sad Last Days," and "Regis Cheats Death." Hmm. I guess that last one is actually upbeat. Oh wait -- look at the subtitle: "Quit TV now, friends beg."

Why can't the New York Times rise to this level?