Blessed are the Ophans

“Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws (at most an occasional visit to the cemetery)”
George Carlin, comedian

Written
By
The Ruminator

Tis the season! This is the time of the year when we’re supposed to count our blessings and remember those who are less fortunate than we – which is politically correct speak for anyone whose house, car, wardrobe, or 401K is less than ours. But the most commonly voiced and applied yardstick to determine the degree of one’s “fortune” is whether or not they have family. In other words, according to the common wisdom, the least fortunate among us have no one with whom to celebrate the holidays. It is the opinion of this writer that the analysis is completely backward.

Orphan Asylum, n.d.
The orphan asylum was owned and operated by the Benevolent Irish Society.

Pity the orphans who are now a fashion accessory for the well-to-do; this is the time of the year when they could have been rejoicing. The fortunate ones are those who have no one with whom to mark the season – i.e., the true measure of one’s blessing at Christmas is inversely proportional to the number of relatives with whom he must interact. Or, as a true misanthrope’s first beatitude states: “Blessed are the orphans, because the lucky bastards don’t have to deal with parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, or in-laws who view Christmas as a god-given time when they are free to foist their hyper-dysfunctionality on their hapless relations.